Faith...

I found out today that an old friend of mine from years ago in Nashville is terribly sick. She has some illness related to when she contracted meningitis. She and her husband have moved back to VA so that they can have help raising their two daughters.

When I heard Michelle was ill, my first thought was, "My God, how will she raise her two girls?". As it is right now she can not even care for herself. I have often said I would take Nathan's sz's from him if I could. I would take them on without hesitation. My greatest wish is that he would grow up, fall in love, raise a family and lead an independent life. I would give up my future for him to have one.

I have been battling with my faith a LOT lately. I have trouble trusting a God that allows my child to suffer. And, I am trying to listen to the wisdom of my Christian friends and find peace. I'm trying to find the good in Nathan's situation.

Perhaps the one thing I have (or have left) is the ability to care for him. I can't fix him, but I can comfort him when he's hurting or sick or angry. I can calm him down like no one else can - not Garry, not my mom, not anyone else. When he is in the midst of a tantrum, I can bring him down.

When he is exhausted from sz's or hurting after surgery or scared beyond his wits from having 22 electroded glued to his head, only I can sing, "A Bushel and a Peck" to him and he'll stop crying -- and only during those times. It doesn't work on just a random day - which after considering that, I think that's a gift. How absolutely wonderful that I have a tool so accessible??? wow. that just occurred to me right now.

I have been praying a lot for faith lately. I don't have any faith left in me. Well, maybe an ounce left because if I didn't, I wouldn't be praying at all, right? I guess I should be grateful - not that it's Nathan who has sz's and not me - but grateful that I can still care for my children, all 4 of them. How would we survive if I wasn't able to work? Garry stays at home. And, though Emily, Colby and Avery don't have the kind of needs Nathan does, their needs are still 100% important to them. If they fall down and scrape a knee, they need hugs and kisses too. Emily still wants her back scratched every night. That's important to her. And it's important to me that I am able to do that for her.

So, I guess I'm trying to find good where ever I can. I still struggle with why this had to happen at all. Why we can't find something to fix him. I will always struggle with that. But, I guess maybe also God knew I could somehow find a way to handle the pain of watching my child suffer from an illness but I could not handle the pain of watching my child suffer from even a scraped knee and not being able to comfort him.

Perhaps I have more faith than I thought.